I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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