So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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