I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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