Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize