I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
