then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I am available for nakedness
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
