Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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