On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
