apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
