your parents love me but you hate me
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
