I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
