I wish I could teleport
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i love accidental penises.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
