Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
