So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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