I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
