im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
