Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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