ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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