so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
