I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
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