I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
