Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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