im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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