Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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