I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
