and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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