we have pet lesbian snakes
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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