Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
