i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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