Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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