Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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