Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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