we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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