If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize