hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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