Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
