My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
