I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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