I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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