just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
