Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
