I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
