I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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