if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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