Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
