Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
