Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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