All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
