Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
