Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
