if we break up, who will get the dealer?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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