never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
