I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
