if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
