Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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