He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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