70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
