Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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