we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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